Thoughts

I have all of my best thoughts right before I turn my phone off and drift off to sleep. It always tends to be at around 6am as a new day dawns.

But when I arise from my bed, I am not as positive as when I went to sleep. I think negative thoughts. I breathe negativity. I am negativity.

I always wonder, just before I put my phone down and bury my head in my pillow, if someone out there is feeling the same way as me, but I guess that's one of the pitfalls of depression - I'll remind myself that nobody else feels this way and that I'm all alone.

And as I start my day, right up until that morning cup of tea, I'll make the process of getting out of bed as long as possible. Much longer than it needs to be. I keep putting off the action of getting up, as if staying in bed longer means I don't have to face those issues. That staying in bed means I might drift off back to sleep and then I won't have to deal with those issues. With life itself.

The are just idol thoughts in my happy time, before I drift off to sleep as others awake and go off to work. I just thought I'd write them down so that, when I awake later this morning/afternoon, I can read them back and realise that I'm still the same person. I'm the same person that went to sleep happy.

So, why is it that I feel different, more tired, and less energetic, than when I went to sleep before? It just doesn't make any sense. It's not rational. It's not normal. It's not healthy. It's not anything, but it is everything negative.