Where did I go?

“...after about five minutes of sitting in my room watching my Dad's car turn the corner and travel down the road out of sight, my sadness is replaced by the eagerness to 'be a student'. I decided to open my door and introduce myself again to my fellow flatmates, and find that just talking to them eases my insecurities about living on my own with strange new faces. I have only been here for an hour, I haven't even had any lectures or seminars, and yet already I feel like a 'proper' student.”

Student at the Centre of the Universe - where did that person go? That person who was so full of confidence, so full of life; so young, inexperienced and immature, and yet so kind and fun at the same time?

“We have to remember that sometimes what we refer to as 'fate' can shape our futures and determine us as a person. It is therefore possible... that some things in our lives are meant to happen... and for the better.”

Where did this person go? The person who was so spirited and thoughtful? The person who was so excited about life that he didn't care what other people thought?

I don't like that he's right, but he is! Never have any words been truer than, “what we refer to as 'fate' can shape our futures and determine us as a person.”

I feel awful. I'm starting to regret who I've turned into. That kind spirited person has gone, and what's left is an empty shell of what I look like from the outside. I'm still the same ugly person as I always was, but now I've lost my personality. I'm dead.

Those words, those blog posts... they feel like a decade ago, and yet it's only really half that - 6 years.

Six years since I started university.
Six years since I first left home.
Six years since I became someone.
And yet, now, I feel like another nobody.

Loner. Outcast. Outsider.

How are you supposed to feel about returning to being a loner? How are you supposed to react when you feel like the outcast of your social group, and the outsider to your own social life?

All of the above, is true of me. I am returning to a life I never thought I'd return to, and once again I feel lonely.

I feel like the outcast in my group of mates. That is definitely becoming true: over the past year, I've been studying for a qualification in Journalism, and a lot of my spare time at weekends has instead been spent revising for exams. Recently, I had some free time and was looking forward to going out - my mates and I even had a Facebook message group going about meeting up. But then I found out that I was being ignored by my mates, who decided to go off and have a night out without me (having already said they couldn't because they had work in the morning - lies? Why are they avoiding me?).

I am the outsider to my own social life: the summation of this petty blog post. It is the inevitable conclusion that I must face in order to review a set amount of events that can only be realised with one horrible little word: fate.

I had a social life - I did! But that was called University. My social life started when I started university, and finished just after my graduation.

About a year afterwards.
But still, it has ended.
Finished.
The End.
Fin.

Every photograph - every memory - has now faded like shoddy photo prints and poor quality Polaroid-wannabes.

Every meet-up in the future now just a worthless heap of never-will-happen's lying amongst the banana skins and household waste in the bin, outside.

Everyone who can be out tonight, is out tonight. All while I lay on my bed, typing this meaningless garbage, wondering if someone else is out there reading this and laughing at me and my problems while they enjoy their life.

Or, am I over-reacting? Did they forget to check their messages, and I just accidentally fell into the never-ending spiral of texts? Was it all just a mistake and I'm the boon for over-thinking everything?

Have I finally become mad? Obsessed with how others view me and how they'll view me when I'm no longer here? Is this what madness feels like? Am I ready to be imprisoned and locked (or, kept?) away from society - in a mental asylum.

Is this the beginning of the end, for me and my life?

Acceptance of Being a Loner

[Context: I'm a journalism student, I've had a lot of work on my plate and a lot of studying to do. For this reason, I haven't been able to meet up with my mates since February for our monthly pub crawl around London.]

Our latest meet up was gathering a bit of momentum, everyone was looking forward to it - especially me, as I haven't seen my mates for the past few months. I was really optimistic about seeing them, about having a break for a day or two and then returning to work.

About a week ago, everything started going downhill. First, I messaged one of my mates about staying over again (overnight accommodation is expensive in London, so it's a great help and a thank you to him for putting me up each time).

His reply was that he couldn't be bothered, that all of our other mates will say the same thing yet again - that they will come but then won't. Little did I realise, he was actually talking to me, about me (!).

Next thing I know, he's on Facebook telling everyone he's got work the next day so won't be able to come out.

The conversation goes quiet, for a whole week. I tentatively send out a message asking if our meetup is still going ahead, or are we giving it a miss.

Nobody answers. Instead, everybody chooses to ignore me. Then Saturday comes along, and still no reply. Maybe we aren't meeting up, I thought, maybe it's next weekend.

Then, to my surprise, my tactless buddy puts up a Facebook status about how he's enjoying watching a football match with mates. My/our mates. In a pub. On a night out. Did everyone just choose to ignore me and go ahead anyway? Why am I being ignored? If they wanted to hang out without me, why not just say so?

I'm beginning to doubt my life, and question whether or not its all just a bunch of lies. Nobody likes what I like, no one I talk to is interested and always changes the subject while I'm talking.

Have I lost touch with society? I'm nearly 25 and I'm now getting the same treatment as when I was a teenager, but with different people. Have I returned to being the person nobody wants to talk to - because they think I'm gay, weird... etc.

Maybe I should just give up on life. Maybe I was destined to be a loner after all, and my student life while at university was just a summer holiday for my life - and now I've crashed back into the reality of being me.

Maybe I was never meant to have mates, to be normal, to live like other people.

Maybe this is the world's way of telling it to me like it is, like it really is. Maybe I should stop dreaming, and start accepting. Accepting that I shall never be better than my past self. Accepting that I'll always be the sad person that nobody likes. Accepting that nobody could care less if I died next week.