Hopefully, if everything goes to plan, I'll have a couple more quotes for printing services for the yet unpublished dedication to James, The Poet-Tree: Digging for the Truth. It is an anthology showcasing all our poetry talents, and it seems fitting to publish it now, a year on from the sad departure of our friend James.
It was supposed to be published last year, but as I was the sole contributor and chief editor, things got put on-hold while I got my life sorted out again.
Now, if my university still wants to contribute financially towards the publication, then I will gladly go to the printers and order about 200 copies. If not, then I have considered the possibility of selling it online as an e-book. We shall have to wait and see...
Wednesday, 24 April 2013
Monday, 22 April 2013
I am an unknown conscious being in the present, recovering from a life lost in the past...
Courage is not something I've had for the past year, and it's only now that I'm starting to feel better. Only now am I re-discovering my Inner Smile, and every day is like a rollercoaster. There was one girl who I must thank for lifting me off my feet, if only for a short while...
Thing is, it didn't last long as I was not ready for a whole bunch of new emotions, on top of losing my grandma, who was like a 2nd mother to me. I haven't embarked on any serious relationships since then.
I don't often 'hate' anything. In fact, I'm hardly offended by anything. I've been called so many names by so many bullies, I don't think there's any more words left in the Oxford English Dictionary that people could use against me. But silence seems to be the new form of bullying, or that's the treatment I've been getting anyway. Maybe its because I pushed people away last year, but still, I feel like I can't talk anymore to my classmates. I'm at the bottom of the pile again, back at square one, waiting for the opportunity...
The day after my grandma's funeral, one of my best mates died. Unfortunately, since then, whenever I've been in conversation, the hurt and the sadness that I have felt for my grandma doesn't seem to matter? For the last year there has been a gaping hole in my life where she once was... but apparently I'm missing the point?
Maybe it has something to do with me not showing up at the funeral for our mate, but I remember on that morning I was dressed up in my suit, shoes polished and gleaming, and I got to the door... but I just couldn't go. I felt light-headed. I was still recovering from my grandma's death. I had 3 essays due in the following week. And I had to deal with a mate's death as well.
I'm sorry if I've hurt anyone. If I led you on, then I'm sorry for that.
Thing is, it didn't last long as I was not ready for a whole bunch of new emotions, on top of losing my grandma, who was like a 2nd mother to me. I haven't embarked on any serious relationships since then.
I don't often 'hate' anything. In fact, I'm hardly offended by anything. I've been called so many names by so many bullies, I don't think there's any more words left in the Oxford English Dictionary that people could use against me. But silence seems to be the new form of bullying, or that's the treatment I've been getting anyway. Maybe its because I pushed people away last year, but still, I feel like I can't talk anymore to my classmates. I'm at the bottom of the pile again, back at square one, waiting for the opportunity...
The day after my grandma's funeral, one of my best mates died. Unfortunately, since then, whenever I've been in conversation, the hurt and the sadness that I have felt for my grandma doesn't seem to matter? For the last year there has been a gaping hole in my life where she once was... but apparently I'm missing the point?
Maybe it has something to do with me not showing up at the funeral for our mate, but I remember on that morning I was dressed up in my suit, shoes polished and gleaming, and I got to the door... but I just couldn't go. I felt light-headed. I was still recovering from my grandma's death. I had 3 essays due in the following week. And I had to deal with a mate's death as well.
I'm sorry if I've hurt anyone. If I led you on, then I'm sorry for that.
Erm, forgive and forget?
Saturday, 20 April 2013
Perspectives
'What I am' is a question that everyone should stop and ask themselves once in a while. Literally, drop everything (as long as it's not a baby you're holding) and observe your life. What is it about your life which seems to follow you in the form of shadows? Is it a feeling, or is it a person?
Having sat through three or four Autobiography lectures on Virginia Woolf (her 'Moments of Being'), I have to look at my life and wonder whether it's worth living? My life is a jumbled-up mess of ups and downs. There seems to be no correlation from one week to the next. One week I'm happy, the next I'm sad.
Something that's just happened, and the main reason for my blog transforming from work-exhibition into a personal thoughts showcase, is the one-year anniversary of my grandma's death. It was on 19 April 2012 that she left this life and embarked on another, and sometimes I sort of know that she's in the room with me, that she's always there whenever I need her... in my heart.
Having sat through three or four Autobiography lectures on Virginia Woolf (her 'Moments of Being'), I have to look at my life and wonder whether it's worth living? My life is a jumbled-up mess of ups and downs. There seems to be no correlation from one week to the next. One week I'm happy, the next I'm sad.
Something that's just happened, and the main reason for my blog transforming from work-exhibition into a personal thoughts showcase, is the one-year anniversary of my grandma's death. It was on 19 April 2012 that she left this life and embarked on another, and sometimes I sort of know that she's in the room with me, that she's always there whenever I need her... in my heart.
CK.
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